Dont worry about the labels. I pray that others find it sooner just so they know they arent alone in this nightmare. He dreams of him, but not everyone succeeds in creating their own family. Hope you dont mind me throwing my two cents in. So often they dont realize what a good thing they had until it is all gone. Its a tough one, and I am not sure yet. Better to let it out than keep it bottled up inside. And they dint lie with the betrayed. That if PILs really are coming from a genuine authentic space they can influence in a positive way. Oh hell no. Listen up. Thank you for your insights. Helen Rowland. Omg the nightmares. Somehow I managed to salvage it on the basis we should still go as we both needed to eat. If Switzerland did not exist, much of the damage could have either been stopped in its tracks and reversed or minimised. It isnt surprising that hes acting mean and resentful. Having worked for a D attorney for 6 years taught me all I need to know about the process. Im still pondering Christmas and the holidays generally. All of this ultimately affects behavior. Just dont take what he says literally right now. LOL!!! You have no idea how much I have learned from both of you. Now the family has a stroller with Dimkoy. " domestic abuse, and. At this point you can only speculate regarding your husbands motives etc. Never an owner. Despite my rather petty frustrations I still regard the years we have been together as beautiful. Yes actually as parents we can have an influence if they want it. There was no premeditation to my actions. He knows it. Perhaps take a step back from the whole PIL thing..they are not the ones who cheated. Thanks Puzzled for your thoughts and experience. Assets and liabilities. I dont know if her ex husband is still in the picture, if he still loves her, or if he has moved on? He figured out I can be his best friend or his worst enemy. Thing is you can move on and trust, somewhat, and have a successful relationship. Yesterday the brief 6 day NC zone ended as we had work stuff to attend to. But you have to find the true cause of the fear. I have figured out people dont appreciate it. A friend said the same to me about the fear thing. This is an unselfish motive on your part. Hi, my name is Puzzled, and my wife had an affair. But DDay2 when I found out he had been seeing her for the last 6 months AND the OW really was the reason he wanted a divorce, well he saw a side of me he wished he had not. I am simply amazed how many of the phrases are used to deflect or minimise, whitewash etc the behaviours but in any case Im kind of done with the labels now Im just calling it The Insanity LOL. second you need to find a good counselor to support you through this nightmare. But instead our culture breeds secrecy and cheating and all about me as a way of dealing with issues and problems. You are between a rock and a hard place. Ah yes TH, the crying on planes thing. Just. Ito ay naiugnay sa isang balisa at kahina-hinala na character, kapag siya (siya), dahil sa personal at panlipunang mga kadahilanan, ay natatakot na magpakasal. Then there was my grandfathermy fathers father. Is it drugs or depression or some addiction or some other mental issue? I dont regret one thing I did except not getting bad ass sooner but it all takes time because honestly I was in shock for a good 6 weeks. Its his fault. Hope shes able to relax a little! You have suffered a trauma. Yep I just had a feeling you were in your trip. So maybe she thought if there was a chance of R between us, she better have a stake in the game. For me it was a train wreck and my ex was behind the wheel. I yelled where is she. Hes making excuses blaming you. Like you I tried to be nice and supportive to win my H back. Longer answerdid I not warn you about trying unskein their fuckedupedness? I hope you are keeping him sane and protected from the bad influences of his mother. One of Hs stated fears (this was said the previous day) is that if we reconcile, I will have him totally locked down. Had no idea we were having an argument or anything. I swear to God my dog vastly improves my life and my mood. (Just as long as there are no attacks on other members.) If I cant get any sign(s) that hes willing to work on our M, then whats the point of me being agreeable? I can see where my past behaviors have conveyed this, unknowingly. I took a sleeping pill last night but it only got me 4 and a half hours. I understand the anxiety and PTSD. I believe it. And then you have to greet hubby, go shopping, and many other far from festive concerns. I could tell he truly believes some of the things he is saying even though they are wrong, but with time I hope he sees the light in that regard. Cutting losses seems to be the order of the day. Obviously every situation is different. Ive had some of my hardest days this week since this whole mess began. This is not something to be dealt with emotionally. Im not sure it is surmountable at this point. I called my son and by now the sun was just coming up. Sigh. Protect yourself. Anxiety goes hand in hand with codependency. The tricky thing is that this whole breakup is turning into a marathon that I hadnt trained for and now Im in it. Ill be in touch with an update hopefully some good news soon. Of course, he didnt reply so I said whatsapp is getting you in a world of trouble. He says (defensively) Im not in trouble and I reply Um, beg to disagree, but yes, you are as Skank Fever is potentially fatal and he replies: Um whats skank fever, I dont understand., To which I replied: Skank Fever. But it can be done. Consider the following true story. It is so helpful to hear about your experiences, but Im so worried that because H has already left the home and even now has moved again to another suburb even further away, R is looking bleak. Yep Tiger Woods ex has nothing on me!! I agree if h is not willing to talk about reconciling then the best thing is NC. A puppet. Our circle of trust and friends probably gets a little smaller after an affair. So, knowing all this, Im going to use seeing H as an opportunity to show him that Im moving on rather than let him manipulate the situation / me for his own agenda. Getting away will do wonders for your head. [Postscript to this example: this is a true story. Too old to play by someone elses delicate sensibilities. I see it in drivers w/ road rage, parents at school meetings thinking the school is all about their kid and the times should be changed to solely benefit them, work place issues as well. This was and is the one safe place where we could pour that grief out. Satori- My wife made no effort in making things better, at least early on. Youve got to get thru this day by day, hour by hour if necessary. Satori and Puzzled At one point in the middle of all these crazy phone calls (after the second storm out, (which is technically the fourth storm out if we include the one when he first left), H was being unreasonable / impossible, I got a bit testy, well ok very testy, and I just snapped at him, Listen you brat, this is what happens when your dick trips over itself and falls into a dark place! Am I expected to stay out in this savanna by myself and survive??? During his A I had to deal with a death in my family (very unexpected), my job issues (which were escalating), trying to get my hands on $ b/c I was afraid he would leave me financially struggling, my teen Child and their abusive BF/GF relationship, PTSD and being saddled with the house and mortgage without the $ to keep me afloat until the house would sell. Then in next month nearing the holidays he starts with the D discussion. His manipulation was always so subtle.it wasnt that I actually saw it that I am now able to call him on it. Ive been thinking everything from NC to overseas trip for massive shopping to clinic stay for anxiety. And Id love to hear what your wife said too, LOL SI OK so I pasted your response and Im going to type my equivalence next to it. He is a little fuck. Wishing you the best outcome today that the financial aspect is complete. No way. So after the meeting I asked him to buy some supplies for our dog and when he came back, I met him out in the street. In your case since he claims you are controlling then if you help him he could end up resenting you further. Im going to keep the talk narrow in focus and leave at a pre arranged time. 10. They are all there right from the script in the manual. Our kids are a lot more savvy than she thinks. But I would rather know NOW than spend 1 more day trying to make it work and realizing I am wasting my time. Satori should keep quiet and not open her too-smart-for-her-own-damn-good-mouth. I have such high anxiety that the emotional abuse is nearly pushing me over the edge. I am so sorry to read this. Gave no indication of where my head is really at. I already had 15 years and all the firsts. FIL did not even ask how I was coping. TFW has a great idea. Hes trying to help but his analysis is simply incorrect. Get a massage or a pedi/mani, go to a show but get out of the house. If Id been treated the way you SAY you have been treated, then I would have left. This from a woman who has been married 50 plus years to the bully that is my FIL. Im sure anyone who has been in a long term relationship can relate to that. Good that you are getting your financial affairs (no pun intended) together. And its hard to do when your heart is screaming NO. [8] Wilbanks did not offer to repay the whole cost of the search for her, which totaled almost $43,000. I keep in mind the song The Gambler by Kenny Rogers. No hope for recovery. Let us consider the psychology of the actions of escaped brides and grooms in more detail. In your case your H made up his mind before you knew anything. Sending hugs. We all know that too well. Not sure whether it has any effect but I feel better for not being put through the grinder on any given moment. I hope in some little way my story helped you. They are dealing in alternate facts. Even offensive OW who come here occasionally to spout their agenda. Dont hate her just dont like wearing hearing aids all the time. Simply communicate that you and your atty is making certain you are doing everything to protect your best interests financially and then smile like the cat that ate the canary!! For example, we have the on-going saga of Nina the Narcissistic Nurse and Steve the Wanna Be Surgeon. It makes me unable to do very much and I am normally high functioning. She is in the thick of it. By now he is all sad sausage again and quiet, looking at me kind of expressionless is the only way to describe it. And yes the fact that we can laugh about it..well, thats just the best. Just checking in on you. So am I correct in reading that your H cheated on you twice? Finally, at the very last moment, the decision not to compromise on love is taken. He wasnt sure what he would find..clothes on the front steps etc. When I was unhappy about things in my life I never told him but made changes in ME. Thanks for your truly excellent advice though. If people dont know who they are they truly mirror whoever they are around. I was feeling that I might be putting too much pressure on the gorgeous TryingHard, ShiftingImpressions and TheFirstWife, all of whom have being helping me enormously on here. TheFirstWife, Thanks for the great explanation! Namely, they do it because they can. Well nothing meaningful at least. Baby steps. After a few more phone calls, and at about 19:00, it was formally announced that the wedding, which was supposed to begin at 20:30, was canceled. He was right. 1. Wise words. H coolly replied, that Yes, if we were to be together again I could be trusted. I was amazed. Sometimes we just have to move on. So I took off in my wedding dress. He is the guy you would bet $ on he would never cheat. Its an odd fraternity that we all belong to and Im thankful for all of you who can give me any bits of advice to ease my healing. She had two little dogs that were very happy to see me I will say. Its not me, I know that. So while my responses to them will be as per TryingHards Im fine to them all now, I already poisoned the well. Lol. If things were great and we are hot or nice or a great whatever, then why did our spouse turn into a CS? Its lack of character at any age. That is his mindset. On every level, I cant believe H would do this to both our lives. You will see that. I could not play nice any longer. This battle is between you and your husband..and a voice of reason in his ear would be a welcome thing. I asked him to help me with some spots that were hard for me to get and to re-attach the electrical covers so we didnt get shocked. Nothing was off the table and while there were a few flashes of anger still by me, mostly it was calm and even loving at times. What a mess right. So it is hard to understand HOW OR WHY your H would become unrecognizable and different from the person you knew and Loved and were married to. And again DO NOT TALK ABOUT SPLITTING STUFF AMICABLY WITH HIM. 1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars. She was scared shitless if me. Im glad to see your dad has improved snd hope he will have a full recovery. SI- I wish that I would have found this site right after D-day. A lot of dancing. For the moment, probs best to try and get some sleep. You are viewed as the mean mom. Spousal Abandonment Syndrome is different from a traditional affair in several ways. You must force yourself to eat food and to hydrate with water. And by the way, my wife didnt come home one night. And, I feel (in my case) it was a total disrespect too. She would not be near them under any circumstances (and legally I could do that) so once he started traveling all week and committed on weekends I dont see the OW sticking around very long in that relationship!! I think one of the hardest things during an A is to watch your spouse become someone you dont even recognize. Will it be easy? Yes I did deal with it. I know for me it was very comforting to know I wasnt alone in my thinking wwwwhhhhattt????. Between hysterical bonding and hysterical anger with threats of packing and flying home by me it was well HYSTERICAL!!! But little by little youll start healing. Thats part of what makes us individuals. And I hope I can continure go pay it forward and that other posters find my suggestions and advice helpful. It depends what else is going in in your marriage. Yes, there have been spouses (both male and female) who have taken out secret credit cards using their spouses or even childrens social security numbers. And the answer is b/c you werent unhappy with me for years you were unhappy with yourself and you think the OW is going to solve your problems. Its a bit like remorse, you know when its real. It is great that you can spend time together but (isnt there always a but) .it is telling and showing you it is over. Post nup signed. That would drive me crazy. I have to face the cold hard fact that I need to totally reinvent my whole life, career, and much of my social network which is tied up with him. I cried once, when he said I was amazing and still hot (puke) and there would be men lining up for me (double puke). A new commandment I give unto you: That you love one another, as I have loved you, that you also love one another. (John 13:34). Yep sorry youre going to have to make the effort because well hes a frightened little forest creature now. When, for various reasons, it is not possible to engage in health-improving gymnastics, you should listen to useful advice. And thats when things started to change. No other way to put things. We are an amalgamation of many cultures and life experiences. I understand how you feel and yes I will never get over the fact that you can walk on the door and demand a D with no explanation. What the hell?! Mimulus or Gubastik: recommendations for planting and care in open ground, Codonanta: rules for growing flowering creepers, Nivyanik or Chamomile meadow: tips for planting and care in the open field. I wish you the best. Its funny (sad funny) how the CS follows the same downward spiral and we are left watching things go down the drain. Who cares if Satori is destroyed? Throughout all of this there was not any genuine remorse or much discussion, a few mumbled apologies about the mess he created. Look to the Cross Satori. He didnt leave for anyone else. I was dressed up and ready to go when the text came in. You were bang on with the pity party omg, His concept is that We move towards a divorce. And will never take responsibility for any of it. Yeah pretty sure that gave both him and his lawyer a very bad case of diarrhea. But I get not all M last. So how is it some men have them and some dont? H: I dont know. Ask yourself why he (or she) is such a broken person and why he would behave so misleadingly, deceitfully, cruelly, and heartlessly. Whether you reconcile or not.the grief can last a long time. And in it try to answer to yourself with whom it will be better in this distant. How is it drugs or depression or some other mental issue snd hope will! 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